More Than a Feeling
By Kenneth J. Doka, PhD
When speaking of grief, we often speak of the feelings that we can experience in
grief— feelings like anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, or even relief. Yet, while
feelings are often part of the grief voyage, feelings are not the only way we grieve.
Grief can affect us at every level. For some of us, the experience of grief is very
physical. Our bodies hurt. We may experience all sorts of pains and aches. Our stomachs
may seem perpetually upset. We may find it difficult to sleep or we may feel tired
and sleepy all the time. Our energy levels may be low and we may feel physically
drained.
Grief also influences the ways we think. We may find it difficult to focus or concentrate.
We may seem forgetful—going downstairs, for example, only to forget why once we
arrive. We may constantly think about our loss—rehashing painful details in our
minds.
The fact that we may not think clearly urges caution. This is not the time, when
it can be helped, to make big decisions on whether to move or change positions.
If we do have to make these decisions, it may be useful to discuss them with those
whose counsel we trust.
Our behaviors also may be different. We may find ourselves less patient or more
prone to anger. Others of us may be more lethargic and apathetic. We may withdraw— seeking
time alone. Or, we may behave in another way, constantly seeking the activity and
company of others as a way to divert our grief.
Even our behavior in grief may vary. Some of us may avoid reminders of the person
who died. It may simply be too painful to view photographs or listen to songs that
remind us of the person. Others of us may seek these reminders and find the memories
they evoke comforting.
Grief even may affect us spiritually. Some of us may find great strength in our
beliefs. They are what sustain us as we struggle with our loss and grief. We may
find our spirituality deepen—attending worship, praying, or reading scripture—even
more frequently than we did in the past. Others of us may find our spirituality
threatened. We may struggle with anger and doubt. We may be confused over why the
person suffered so and why we seem to suffer so as well. We may find it difficult
to connect with our beliefs and find little comfort at this time in our faith.
These are all ways that we may journey with grief. There is no right or wrong way
to experience grief. Our experience of grief is what it is. It comes from who we
are.
We cannot compare our loss to others nor can we compare our responses to the responses
of others. Our differing experience of grief has little to do with how much we loved
or cared about the person who died.
Each of us is different. So it makes sense that our experience of grief is different
as well. Some of us, for example, will experience grief in vivid colors. With others
of us, the experience of grief will be more muted—more in subdued pastels.
Copyright 2008 Hospice Foundation of America. All Rights Reserved.
